it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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