I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
