I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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