You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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