tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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