college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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