Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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