Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
