OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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