tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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