this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
