I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
