i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
