And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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