Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
