Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
