Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
