I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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