You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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