i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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