Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
