If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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