I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
