yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
