Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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