I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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