Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
