My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
