Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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