Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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