Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
