I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
