I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
