hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
