Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
