Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
