I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
