Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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