Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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