I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
