there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
