I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
