A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
