I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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