Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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