Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
