He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
