someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I can tuck mytits in my pants
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
