His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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