I think my fart just growled at me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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