My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
