I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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