Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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