Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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