its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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