I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
