my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
