He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
