I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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