fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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