Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
