Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
