Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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