he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize