I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
