I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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