i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm at about main and main street
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
