the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I touched a dick in church today
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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